“The gears a slider, a tricam, a cam and a wire”.

    I nod my head to Neil in the hope he thinks I like the sound of what he’s telling me. A slider, what bloody good is a slider? So its 7c+/8a to get to this gear at 15m. A fall anywhere near the end of this first runout would deposit him on the ground. From this gear, all placed at the same point hard and dynamic moves lead right and then straight up for another 5m to a crux slap. From here 2 more wires are had, small offsets before more hard moves lead to easier ground.
 I’d known about Neils Pembroke project as long as he’d had it, since about 2011. It sounded pretty epic but I’d expected something looking similar to The Big Issue, a steep face with a load of good looking pockets and good gear here and there. Standing beneath Neils route it only shared the steepness. There were no juggy pockets, only some small spaced calcite crimps which Neil informed me was the easy part of the climb! Higher I could see it looked very hard with a dynamic crux move at the end of a lot of hard, bold climbing. It was obvious looking up at it that only a meticulous climbing performance would get up the devil.

   Behind me I heard Ryan cracking open one of the cans of Guinness, we’d brought 4 down to the beach with us thinking to share a celebration with Neil and his partner Nathan. It was the end of mine and Ryans road trip and having done a lot of climbs from E5-7 in the Lakes and Pembroke we were both toasted and enjoyed going to lend moral support to Neil and watch the show.

   I knew Neil had put a fair amount of effort into it but Ryan brought it home mentioning Neil had often driven the 5 hrs to Sheffield and camped on his own to go and work this project. On many of his efforts over the years the conditions have been too gop to attempt it. On hearing about Neils efforts against shite conditions I thought having a project like it an extremely poor idea as I couldn’t be arsed having sport projects on the Diamond in N.wales due to the gop, let alone a venue 5 hrs drive away.

   After a quick look and warm up into the moves on a rope he says he’s going to have a go. After putting in the first runners and reversing for a ten minute breather Neil starts the lead. He climbs the crimpy calcite wall like a smooth robot and at about 10m entered the no-fall zone to eventually arrive at the flake where a poor shakeout can be had and thankfully the nest of gear. To this point would be E8/9 for sure looking to be a considerably bigger lead than Gribin Wall climb. After the gear is in and a 5 minute shake the Mawson machine continues, climbing fast he is suddenly a fair way above his tricam and cluster of shite and is eyeballing the jug.

His body sags a tiny bit and he falls outwards as his fingertips tickle the jug. A big fall brings him downwards and Nathan his belayer upwards till they are level. The cluster held, obviously. After stripping the gear Neil gave it one more go. Climbing smoothly again past the first runout to the nest of gear. Unfortunately seepage had set in and a wet hold chucked him off a little after. Even though Neil didn’t have glory that day his performance was a very inspiring one.

   Driving back with Ryan I was still trying to take in what Neil had put into that bit of rock and was pondering wether it was a worthwhile venture, after all, in that time you can do a hell of a lot of other things. He certainly wasn’t doing it for any financial gain, as one of Britain’s top climbers he’d get a load of free gear being a hero near his home, he has a full time job and didn’t need to risk life and limb on a project.  No, this was a very personal endeavour, a mission to try and climb quite a futuristic, overhanging wall, certainly in terms of trad.  

    What if it got wet and he didn’t get it this year? The thought disturbed me on Neils behalf, having to start again next year, getting fit enough to do 3 laps on an 8b+/c, re-working the moves, psyching up again.  

 I’d asked Neil to message me when he had success and to give me the name. I was on the way back from the Lakes having caught up with family and climbed a few classics on Pavey Ark and Goat crag, the opposite end of the scale from what Neil was doing.

“Hi Caff. Did it today! Amazing conditions. E10 8b+, name Choronzon. It’s a mythical demon that lives in the abyss of one’s mind. It tries to reinforce the negative thoughts going through ones mind”

   An appropriate name although I’ve never required a demon to supply me with negative thoughts. I’ve climbed a few routes graded E9 in a session or 2 with speed of ascent and minimal inspection being one of my main aims on routes I couldn’t onsight, hence the odd failure due to lack of preparation. It was obvious this was a different proposition to those climbs requiring a whole lot ‘more’.

    I think it’s probably the hardest trad style climb in Wales and England with routes like Equilibrium deserving a grade of E9 7b perhaps, being hard but not as big a lead. I know Neil would have voted yes if given the chance as if Scotland became independent Choronzon would be the hardest in the Unitedish Kingdom. As it stands it will be one of the hardest 3 in the UK; Rhapsody, Echo Wall and Choronzon.  All very different routes in different venues but they’ve one thing in common, it took 2 great climbers a great deal of effort and dedication to climb them.

  Nice one Neil.

    The first trip was to the Lakes for 4 days and involved climbing Bucket Dynasty (which having a fairly reachy and bold crux received a good flash by Emma Twyford), Dusk Till Dawn, Borderline and repeating some old classics. Dusk Till Dawn particularly deserves attention, Al Wilsons vision. I climbed with Al Wilson a great deal from onwards and when Al spoke of this it was with a bit of awe. After doing the crux on Bucket Dynasty a traverse right leads to 10m of jug pulling and a good cam1 (I’d left mine lower down) where wild moves lead up left from a peg to a sinker and still testing finish. Steep single pitch routes don’t get much better than this.

    Clare Carter organised a ‘Ravens Pit’ evening in the field outside the Sticklebarn pub in Langdale with Dave Birkett giving a great insight into how tourists are lucky not to be shot or run over on motorbikes nowadays as that used to be the usual Cumbrian welcome. It was a good final night to the trip.

    Having just read Pete Liveseys brilliant biography I’d like to recommend it. His routes in the Lakes were very futuristic when they were put up, a precursor to Pete Whillances and Dave Birketts; Footless Crow, Dry Grasp, Nagasaki Grooves, Bitter Oasis amongst many other greats which were and still are testpieces shutting down Lancashire’s finest. Loved Liveseys thoughts on Statement “What do you reckon about this route in Wales? 7 bolts in 70 feet?, how can that be E7?”Good effort to Mark Radtke and John Sheard for slotting it all together.

   The second trip was to Devon and Cornwall and involved ticking the final few extreme rock ticks in the vicinity apart from America and Guernica. I’m giving myself 2 years to finish the book so I’m giving Neil Foster some time to do it first. Highlight climbs were The West Face, Morgawr, The Marksman, Astral Stroll and Il Duce. One of the best parts of the trip came in seeing the ‘spirit of adventure’ in some other climbers though. Worried about some friends who had set off late on Dream Liberator I eventually grabbed a headtorch and went exploring to the top of the zawn about half ten, I could hear voices now and again but couldn’t get a visual. I scrambled to the top of Xanadu to get a better picture to see Gwen topping out on the final 5c pitch by headtorch, with James and Mark still on the belay with no torches. It looked awfully dark down there so I lit the wall up with my headtorch as James and Mark climbed it. I was well impressed with their adventurous attitude although not with James and Marks preparation. Mention should be made of Sophie Evitts efforts this trip as not having climbed for a year doing routes like Il Duce is no mean feat and there were a few ‘eyes on stalks’ moments. I thought Guernica might have been a tad cruel to get back into things.

   The final trip of the summer was with Ryan Pasquill. I’d not taken 9 days of ML work to have this trip, probably equivalent to £1500 and I was interested to see if it was worth the cost of not doing the work. Original plans were to go up to look at Echo Wall on Ben Nevis. Having not sport climbed since May and having found a project back in Wales I managed to talk Ryan into a different type of trip.

   We set off in the afternoon from Sheffield and arrived in Dovedale with climbing gear and sleeping bags at the ready. Walking into the campsite shop we had difficulty deciding on wether to carry a bottle of wine or some beers. It was a tough decision and in the end we took both. We hiked up to Dove and after a warm up on the Flying fissure finish I send Ryan up Dusk Till Dawn. A flash pump kills him high up on the pillar and he says he’d wished he’d done Dynasty first. I mentioned I’d only done that one first because the description was wrong and I’d gone 3m higher than the traverse right and was too pumped to downclimb.

We leave the kit at the crag base and go up to the brilliant bivvy cave the Priests Hole where we played cards and cooked up a feast (of couscous and rice). The morning after the sun shone straight into the cave and there was a layer of mist in the valley bottom, I can see why Millican Dalton spent his summers living in his cave in Borrowdale.  

   After warming up Ryan did Dusk Till Dawn and Bucket Dynasty and I did Vlad the Impailer and Beyond the Pail (which is still E6 rather than 7). Climbing on Dove we were both in a perpetual pumped state and I knew my fitness had deteriorated considerably since May when I’d onsighted 3 E7s in a day in Pembroke. The day after we went to Iron crag to climb Commital Chamber and Al Wilsons excellent link-up from Western Union into Pumping Iron, Iron Man which deserves attention.

   Heading back to North Wales we both felt cooked and there was no opportunity to get Ryan on the Promontory Slab project and the Meltdown which had been part of the plan. Having pretty good gear but a ludicrously hard start I spoke to Dawes who said he’d done the moves on the middle bit but didn’t think the start would go. I think it’ll be V11ish starting 8m being considerably harder than Stone Temple Pilots or Diesel Power but on a steep slab! The only way I can see of anyone doing this is what me and pete used to take the piss out of Jack for, being a ‘**** on the shunt’. I suppose that was me on meltdown as well though.

    We head down to Pembroke in the late afternoon and do Another Day, Another Dog, The Barbarians are Coming, Ships that Pass in the Night and Dogs of Hoare which I’d not done since the late 90s. Climbing with Ryan necessitates sponsoring St Govans Inn each night! I’ve been to Pembroke many times over the years and think the drive down from North Wales is one of the most picturesque drives you can do. The quantity of great climbs there is near limitless and I’m sorry Gogarth but Pembrokes certainly offers the best sea cliffs in Britain.

   Pembroke was fairly quiet, which is unusual for such a nice weekend. We headed straight to Huntsman’s Leap where Ryan gets going on the technical E5, Magazine people with myself and Mawson offering some heckling as Ry doesn’t feel himself and seems to climb left, right and centre all the way up, never finding the easiest path. I do Black Lagoon which with the some of the pegs missing felt quite committing and should be regarded as considerably harder than Souls, the classic, ok E6 of the Leap and bloody hell it’s got a tough move after the first thread. There is only Nothing to Fear I really want to do in there now. After another Leap E5 we finish on Trevallen on Smash the Bass (which has 2 extremely dangerous blocks right beneath the roof now-don’t do it, I started to lever it off but was worried of chopping my ropes) and the Hole.

    That night Mawson divulges the delights of Free Masonry, a 4 pitch E6 on the outside of the Cauldron. Taking Crispin Waddy a few efforts over 2 years the ascent required procuring George Smith and involved the odd retreat into the Sea from the final pitch. Neil had said himself and Charlie Woodburn had done some epic sideways abseiling/traversing to retreat from the final crux pitch.

  We woke up groggily and set off with intent. We racked up at the summit of the impressive Cauldron Hole and walked down the ridge. A sea level traverse leads to 20 metres of commando style caving to eventually pop out before the Stone Bridge which gives Free Masonry its first pitch. Now, talking about 4 pitch sea arch E6s in the pub doesn’t quite give you a good impression of what they actually look like close up. On the apex of the Arch was a small cave at the end of the 3rd Pitch, the top of this had a 1m horizontal roof above it leading to severely overhanging ground and eventually to an extremely blank looking groove nr the top of the cliff. Although E6 isn’t that big a grade many people who have climbed routes graded E9/10 won’t have onsighted 10 routes of E6. Basically some of them can be really hard and because the more esoteric ones get done little or not at all when compared with many easier climbs the grade is more likely to be off the mark.
We both went quiet for a minute before some awfully soft, almost unconscious excuses started coming out of our mouths.

“What do you think?”

“We’re pretty tired”

“The start looks quite wet”

“The seas too rough to abseil into and besides which, how the **** do you swim with a rack on?”

We looked back at the caves, our still easy line of retreat.

Our excuses sickened me somewhat, although it may have been the Broadside. We decided to have a look as it was only the first 5 metres looked wet. The first pitch of the Stone Bridge, a 1980s Mick Fowler E5 6b provides a suitable start having a pumpy groove leading to airy moves round an arête and a good thread belay. Ryan leads through across more exciting terrain, a horizontal traverse leading to a 7m downclimb down a groove and a hanging belay right on the lip of the arch. The 3rd pitch involved wild climbing, jumping feet across the other side of grooves to get bridged and piling around a wild arête where you could climb it several different ways but all around 6a/b. Pulling into the cave is just the best belay. Its 5m deep and the birds who once inhabited it must have thought they had the best, least likely to be interrupted home until Crispin and George poked their heads in. In the guidebook it had mentioned that the climb was generally well protected. I now knew that it was a George/Crispin sandbag as the pitch before had been E6 and with slightly more small and fiddly gear than you’d like for the style of moves you do away from it.

  
  Ryan arrived in the mega cave and we were both feeling a bit tired, the route finding had been tricky even to here which is what had helped stop Neil and Charlie on the final pitch. I won’t spoil the surprise of the finale but crux moves just above the cave lead to big moves on big holds to a still 6bish groove nr the top. I was totally blown away (as was Ryan).

    I’ve done Conan the Librarian 3 times and think it’s an amazing climb but this was well beyond that for both brilliant climbing and ludicrous terrain it follows. The pictures just can’t do it justice. We went to Govans East and finished on Psyce n Gurn which although it gets the same grade is thankfully about E4 6b. The following day we were battered, Ryan did Yellow Pearls and I did Fabulous Fishing but both our elbows were out by this point. The afternoon was spent watching a remarkable effort by a friend of ours but I’m sworn to secrecy.

   I look back on the trip and the £1500 in work I’d not taken. I can roughly attach a price to many of the climbs for what they are worth to me (economists and insurance companies love this kind of thing). Vlad, Iron Man, Black lagoon are each worth ~£200 being great routes I’ve thought about doing for years. The ascent of Free Masonry with Ryan though, that’s trickier, it was absolutely priceless and will keep me chuckling for years. Free Masonry.

   In 2003 I was living in Wales but all I could think about was this project in the Lakes. The idea was to climb as many great Lakeland routes as possible in a day.  I’d thought about it since 1999, inspired by Big Ron’s circuit in the Peak but it took a few years to take root and develop, with lists I’d make getting tricky beyond 80 routes. There was also a distinct lack of strategy in the planning, with me thinking to set off and finish on Esk Buttress taking in whichever routes I’d please along the way, the route I was going to finish on if I had the steam won’t be mention. I’ve always had a rough guesstimate of how difficult I’d find the task depending on the routes taken in. I thought I could do about half any day of the week, to do ¾ I’d have to be going well and to do the lot I’d need a fair wind behind me. This was surprisingly accurate.

    A week or so before I was going to make my first attempt on an overly ambitious list of routes I set off on a route called Exponential Exhaustion at Kilnsey. I got passed a technical wall to better flat holds but these were dusty and a minute of flapping found me in mid air. The thread which appeared good exploded when I came onto it and the rock hit me in my ear with some speed. I arrived near the base and Rob Fielding lowered me the rest of the way. He turned away in disgust which made me worry at first that my ear was hanging off but it was only a small hole in my ear. A trip to A&E left me with stitches, a compression strap on my head to prevent Cauliflower ear and slightly dodgy balance for a week or so. It’s still the worst fall I’ve taken and could have been much worse as just before I was going to go for the thread I uncovered a key wire hidden by some vegetation which is what stopped me. I was a little superstitious at the time and took it as a sign not to attempt the solos. This was a good thing as I doubt I would have got close back then, confidence can only get you so far. It never came together again but was always in the back of my mind as; a would have, could have, should have......

  A decade later the scheme came to mind again, more as a curiosity at first, looking at lists, thinking about possible routes and cliffs you could visit. The last few years I’ve done about 0.1% of the soloing I used to do and in the spring 2014 I began to get reacquainted, re-climbing routes like Fingerlicker, Silly Arete, doing 10+ routes at Gogarth in an afternoon and running into the Carneddau for routes like the Grooves on Llech Ddu. It did feel harder. Routes that had felt akin to paths a decade ago felt like they were a much bigger deal.

   When I set my full first list out in March or so I felt a pang of despair. It was considerably watered down than a decade before but still looked ridiculous on paper. I started to work out realistic timings and these made it worse, maybe people were correct about it being a mad idea. It took me back to the book ‘The Life of Pi’ when Pi s dad tells him the story of a karate expert thinking he can fight a Tiger to put him off going near the dangerous animals in the zoo. I was concerned I was being as deluded as the karate expert who obviously gets killed rapidly in the story.

   I’d not booked any work in for the last 2 weeks of June, hoping to get some good weather during the longest days of the year and looking forward to hanging out in the Lakes, visiting family nearby. It turned out to be one of the luckiest of weeks, the ‘stars truly aligned’ for it. I worked on an ML assessment on the weekend of the 14th of June and on the afternoon of the 2nd day where my lower body normally feels like it has been done over in an American prison instead they felt fresh, the hauling and climbing in Yosemite had delivered a good fitness base.

   On the Tuesday of that week I arrived in the Lakes feeling a little rough but with fantastic weather and an ace forecast. I headed straight to Goats crag, a tiny crag beyond Reecastle which I’d not been to before. The views back towards Scafell and Greatend were incredible and I did everything on the cliff before heading to the big Goat crag to go up Preying Mantis and stash an ab rope on top. Heading down I did a couple of E2s I’d not done and arriving at a tiny esoteric cliff in the woods named Macs wall was blown away to meet other climbers. Pat and Craig from Carlisle who had known dad. We headed over to check out Millican Daltons buttress which was unfortunately filthy although I did Cold Lazarus for old times sake, this small buttress was removed from my list.

   The Wednesday was the key reccy day I’d decided upon, the make or break day, leaving Stonethwaite campsite I was going to run up Langstrath to Flat Crags and work my way back to my car. If I choked or was crawling off the hill the idea was a dud and I felt a little bit anxious about finding out just how pie in the sky the idea was.

    I did a load of routes I’d not done before loving Neckband, after 2 cans of coke in the ODG I payed for it with a headache as I topped out on Gimme. On the run between Pavey and Sergeant Crag Slabs I saw 2 red deer enjoying the solitude of the fell top apart from myself. I got down to my car feeling like I’d had one of my best days out climbing. I knew I could do a lot more, having done a lot more running to access Flat crags than I’d be doing when starting from Scafell. The game was on.

   I worked at Eden rock the day after and gave a talk there in the evening. Julian a friend I’d not seen in over a decade came and mentioned it was his 50th on the weekend and he was keen to climb on Bleak How and heron. I couldn’t believe my luck and gave him my rope to use and dump there saving me a walk. Julian is married to my favourite ever teacher Liz who apart from teaching me lots interesting geography gave me some of the best advice as a teen, don’t get in a car with a drunk friend driving.

   Friday morning arrived and I did 6 routes on Grange crags finding more of them in a climbable state than I expected although with agricultural finishes. Later that morning I head up to Reecastle with Ben Pritchard and Rich Heap to get some footage for the BMC. Rich asks if I’ll get lonely. I thought it very strange as I’m happy walking alone in the lakes and am doubly happy climbing alone there. Many of the climbs are like meeting old friends or flicking through an old diary.

   The weekend was spent relaxing. Sophie comes up from Wales and we visit my sister, Heather, brother in law, Richard and Godson Thomas. They rent a beautiful National Trust house on the quiet side of Windermere, near where the Swallows and Amazons was thought up. The Saturday night we spend in the CC hut in Grange, appropriately there was a poster of Dan Osman doing a half lever whilst soloing a big flake saying don’t let your fear stand in the way of your dreams. Sunday I drop my car off at Stonethwaite campsite and Sophie drops me at Sheps cafe. Hock picks me up and we went round to Wasdale and had a meal in the Head with Craig Naylor, farmer, climber and grandson of the legendary fellrunner Joss Naylor. We all chose the Cumberland sausage with mash.

   We hike into Hollow Stones and set up camp. It’s quiet but Mary Jenner, Mark Greenbank and Keith Phizaklea are on the way down and come for a chat. Dave Birkett is checking out possible new climbs on a hill around the corner. Later Rob and Craig Matheson come along as well. By 20.00 it was only me and Hock, my enigmatic friend I’d known since primary school, who indirectly helped start me soloing. Hock said he’d meet me at Falcon Crag sometime in early 1996, he didn’t. I set off up Spin Up and Funeral Way. From then on it opened up a different world of climbing. Dick Patey was in his mid 50s and lived near the Borrowdale hotel in the 90s. He was fit as sin and I watched him solo MGC regularly and routes like the Bludgeon. We were convinced he was ex-special forces. I used to chat to him about good routes to go for.

  I’d brought the tent up for both of us but Hock decided not to, being fond of the stars and sheep he went and slept under them!

   At 2.55 my alarm went off. I’d slept well and felt rested but looking up towards Scafell it was pitch black. I carried a small rucksack with a thermal, trainers, an empty bottle for stream water, some food, a map and a compass.  Not hungry I forced down some food a small tea and set off.

   CB was the biggest route on the list and in its own way the most intimidating. The 1st ascent of this in 1914 was visionary with the kit they had. Leaving Sansoms shoulders to grovel up the crack before bringing Holland up was some feat which dad would speak of in his lectures in the Moot Hall in Keswick. Mabel Barkers and Menloves efforts were incredible also.    

   It was the centenary of the 1st ascent this year and I’d read a great deal about the 1st World War and what was ‘involved’. Herford died in it in 1916 at the age of 25. His essay ‘The Doctrine of Descent’ is a brilliant piece of writing concerning mountain climbing.

 Starting on CB felt like paying respects and the story and tragedy related to the climb was like fuel.

   I topped out at first light and felt relief, scree running back down to meet Hock before contouring round to briefly join the Corridor Route a path my dad had helped build. After a few routes on Piers Ghyll crag and one on Undercarriage wall feeling much like grit, I continue running and receive a stunning view of Styhead Tarn, Derwentwater and Borrowdale in the Dawn light. It was a crystal clear day, 4.30 in the morning with empty hills.

   I track round to Esk Hause and Ore Gap looking back towards Scafell, the East Buttress is in full glory and the Main Face shown as a silhouette. Dropping off Bowfell I arrive at Flat crags, Simon Gee is there and after a quick handshake I head up Fastburn. I run down to Neckband and set about 6 routes. I was only going to do 5 here but looking at a crack at the base called Cut-Throat I thought it looked easy after America. I was wrong, it was dusty, smeary and quite strenny.

   I dropped down into the valley noticing some Bog Asphodel and Sundew between the Bedstraw and bracken on the way up to Gimme where I set off up Intern. I 1st climbed this with Alison Iredale in 2001 the same day as the twin towers. I drop down left and set off up Gimmer String. On the top Steve (superfit) Ashworth is there having bivvied on the top. I used to work with Steve and it was great to see him. 15 mins later I arrived at Pavey Ark.

    I first climbed here in 1999 and arriving I soloed Astra and Cascade before belaying Dave Birkett on his project. He told me he was concerned if he fell off he would hit the ground. He got really high and fell off. His gear held fine but it gave me a shock. Dave has only deepened his legend through the years putting up incredible lines. Whilst working with him and Paddy he would tell us that he was the best dry stone waller in the world. Nay said we but 2 years ago he won at the Chelsea Flower Show. He was the best!

    I go up Capella and Poker Face before heading via Cove crag and Bright Beck Cove towards Sergeant Crag slabs. The 2 red deer are there again on the quiet felltops.

 Dad found Sergeant Crag slabs in the mid 90s and it gives some of the best single pitch slabs between VS and E2 in the Lakes. He brought me up here to climb my first HVS, Lakeland cragsman. Hock was there having driven round from Wasdale and I quickly do 5 routes before pulling back up the hillside to jog to Heron. The climbs here are small but on perfect rock and it is a great place to visit after Bleak How. After Heron I drop off to Bleak How and Fat Charlies Buttress before arriving thankfully at my car. I’d told myself at this point to pretend I’d stepped into a fresh body and was just starting. I stuck on Leftism, the music of mine and Dans Yosemite trip and if you’re into that kind of thing a contender for the best album to have left the 90s.

   I arrive at Goat a short while later and head up Preying Mantis. I first did this with dad who said a friend of his once got his fingers trapped in a fingerjam on the 1st pitch whilst seconding. He couldn’t free them so dad started to go down to him saying he’d have to cut the finger off. His friend freed the finger. Tumbleweed Connection, Bitter Oasis, Mirage and Footless Crow are some of the finest climbs in the lakes.

   I head up a few shorter ones before heading to Grange crags. Dad once told me Colin Downer came round the house threatening to beat him up if he did any of Downers lines on this crag. I was curious as to how I’d be on these ones. Sudden Impact and Rough Justice have 5c moves about half way through. I was a bit tired but mainly in my feet. I headed towards Shepherds and the sacrilege of missing out dad’s favourite cliff, Black Crag was not lost on me. I took it off the list a few days before starting but intended to do his climb the Niche later on.

After an egg butty at Sheps cafe I cover Sheps in the heat of the day feeling very muggy. Porcupine felt hard, Aaros as ever the most pleasurable and by the time I reach Brown Crag Grooves I know I’m tired. Shepherds is nearly always dry, has the ‘best cafe’ at the base and offers great views across Derwentwater. My first climb was on here, Donkeys Ears.

   Hock picks me up from beneath and we drive round to Reecastle, a crag in a truly stunning setting near Watendlath the views from its top are back towards Bassenthwaite Lake. There is a small crowd back from the crag. Maxine Willet from the Mountain Heritage Trust has brought the Abraham Brothers camera up. It’s great to see Duncan and Evon Booth with their kids and with them feeling confident enough in my ability that their children won’t see anything traumatic I feel buoyed. Nicole Macgregor, Clare and Henry Iddon are also around the cliff, part of Hocks enigmatic social networking. Two climbers allow me to use their abseil rope speeding up events. It feels warm and I do 8 climbs as fast as I can. Towards the end a climber asks why I don’t do Thumbscrew as he found it easier than some of the others. I’d intended to but was too tired to do it safely. Since leaving Shepherds I didn’t think I’d complete the challenge. Fatigue had properly arrived. I did a pleasant techy E2 on the south crag, Widowmaker and myself and Hock headed up to Goats. Enjoying the smaller climbs I feel like at the end of a long few days sport climbing. Rogue Herries I’d left till last on this cliff as it was the hardest and I didn’t think I’d do it but wanted to pull up to look at the first hard bit, after a minute I commit upwards in what became the only bad bit of the entire day.

   Feeling pretty battered I decide to leave Lower Falcon, although it would have been great to do the Niche. At the garage in Latrigg Close we grab a sandwich, lucosade and Hock some tabs before we set off into Thirlmere. This used to be my commute road and as Castle Rock appeared in the evening sun the journey with my primary school friend felt a little surreal and brought ‘The Heart of Darkness’ to mind for some reason. The travel from goats to Castle Rock was the biggest rest I’d had and arriving at the crag I got a 2nd wind. A few routes on the south crag meant a move to the north with 5 routes left to do. I really wanted to do a 3 pitch one, Thirlmere Eliminate and Harlots Face. These routes involved Jim Birkett, Paul Ross, Don Whillance, Joe Brown, Pete Greenwood on their first ascent and were cutting edge for the area at the time. Thirlmere Eliminate went well being a corner at the top you can bridge and get all the weight off tired arms. I think I’d done most of these climb with my friend Wesley Hunter sometime in the 90s, we had a load of adventures and some truly ridiculous teenage arguments on the cliffs.

  At 10.15 or so I finished on Angel Highway and was glad I’d had a frenzied hour negating the need for headtorch climbing when tired at the end. I sent Sophie a message. Hock had brought up some bottles of Cumberland Ale and myself, Hock, Simon Gee and Henry Iddon got stuck into them before heading to the Oddfellow Arms in Keswick for another pint. Lucy Wood had made some great food which me and Hock got stuck into sometime after midnight before bed. The next morning I met Hock and Lucys lovely baby, Olive Tinker Hocking. Dave Birkett got in touch to see how it had gone.

  I was deeply touched by the level of support given by people both on the day and in congratulations afterwards on what I’d seen as a personal pilgrimage through some great memories of the Lake District. Some climbs were big, some were tiny, some were clean, some were filthy but all were in the most fantastic landscape.

 Thanks a lot to everyone involved before, during and after for having some faith in a somewhat out there idea. If you get the chance go and climb in the Lakes.   Nice one Hock.

 

 FIINAL LIST

CB     Heatwave 95         Shaun & Haley          Sleeping with the stars              Piers de piece

Wheel of Misfortune   Fastburn     Gillete direct      Razor crack   Gandalfs groove direct    Sweeney Todd    Cut Throat     Aragorn   Intern    Gimmer String

Capella    Poker Face  The confidence man     The futures bright     Slab, ridge and arête      Nibble   nibble  Bright Beck Corner     Confusion Wall    The Tinkerer      Little Jack

Asphasia    Quicksilver     Holly Tree Crack    Deathstroke       Between the Lines

Heaven knows Im miserable now     Flamingo Fandango     Big Foot    The Question    Little Corner   Barefoot    Joie Pur    Traverse of the Frogs

Amistad con el Diablo     Bleak How Buttress

Cellulite   Cholesterol Corner   Supermodel    Reassuringly Stocky

Preying Mantis   The Sting     Paint it Black   Zombie in the Dark     One Across

Fuel Crisis    Driving Ambition   Desmond Decker    Rough Justice    Sudden Impact   Red Neck

Mule Train   Black Icicle   Porcupine   Hippos might fly    Straight and Narrow    Grasp   Poop & Clutch  MGC    Shanna   Aaros   PS  North Buttress   Imago    Jaws   Conclusion    Brown Crag Grooves       

 White Noise    Rack Direct     Rack Finger Flake    Water Torture    Bold Warrior   Gibbet   Guillotine   Gauntlet   Widowmaker

Mort     Balancing Act    Light Fantastic   Pussy Galore    Munich Agreement   Optional Omission    Nightmare Zone    Berlin Wall   Stranger to the Ground    Rogue Herries  

Mackanory

Green Eggs and Ham    Reward    Romantically Challenged     Pinnacle Wall    Final Giggle  

Harlots Face    Thirlmere Eliminate     Wingnut    Angels Highway

Salathe Wall & El Niño

  ‘The Salathe Wall is El Caps most natural line and possibly as Royal Robbins dubbed it “The greatest rock climb in the world”.

   The trip to the valley had come around quickly. I’d contemplated not going as I felt I should be working rather than gallivanting across the Atlantic but Dan McManus’ enthusiasm had won. The last time we were together in Yosemite we were lost in the dark on the top of Golden Gate, bone weary and on a timer to get to the top before the rain came in. Having just got down off Muir wall 2 days previously a 1 day effort to do Golden Gate was unwise but having seen an inspiring talk by Glen Denny about climbing in the 60s before heading out I was after an adventure and so was Dan

   We went with large but flexible ambitions; to try and free an aid climb on the left side of el cap, complete Golden Gate in a day, possibly do another big free climb and if there was time at the end a solo of Astroman. Lucky the word flexible is in there as we didn’t do any of them!

   We arrived in the valley on the 4th of May and between the Ferraris I spotted a homeless person being arrested. Having escaped San Francisco I presume she didn’t have a permit for dossing. I’m keen on conservation myself but believe that if John Muir was around nowadays he’d be booted out of the valley at gunpoint by a lobotomised ranger.

   The new free route was meant to be up Never Never Land and I’m convinced you can pick a good free line in from Dihedral Wall or the left but the main slab will await a visit from Ondra. It wasn’t for us.

   The Salathe headwall crack is something which has inspired me for years in both pictures and stories so with Dan psyched we diverted attention to this.

  Haulbags were packed and having hauled them beyond Heart ledges we wanted to get them to Hollow Flake before coming down and climbing to rejoin them. Just before Hollow Flake it hailed lightly and I idly wondered if I could do the HF when wet and confidently told myself ‘no problem’. About 10 metres from the top of HF the hail came down properly. I watched it pile up on my shoulders and tried not to move my left foot to keep a foothold dry. Dan having been in South East Asia believed he was in the Arctic and had disappeared to dig out a jacket from the bags. An undignified slither down eventually followed and we left the bags there.

   We set off at 5.00am, 3 hours later than we wanted due to some overnight rain. Dan had put himself forward for the monster OW, a British E6 and one of the final pitches of the day. He led it brilliantly and we arrived at the alcove quite battered from hauling and climbing. We ate little.

   Day 2 was a success in every way. We did a long pitch off the spire to arrive at the Boulder problem pitch. At the top of an awkward corner I got spat off and in flight a voice came up:

“Caff, your going the wrong way”

  James Lucas, Hazel’s American partner had arrived on the fixed lines. I’d been interrogating people on these about the demise of ethics in Yosemite but was glad James had come up to offer good advice. Anyone willing to put fixed lines down the whole of El Caps most popular free route was obviously unhinged and it was a problem for psychiatrists rather than ourselves.

  We both flashed the techy boulder problem and headed down to rest for the day on the spire whence Hazel and Walker had arrived. Hazel managed a handstand on the Spire and numerous card games were had. She mentioned that she had a sore shoulder.

The 3rd day I knew would be hard and it was, involving numerous hanging stances, hard pitches and hauling our heavy pigs. I seconded Dan over the ridiculously exposed roof to arrive at the headwall about 16.00 ish. I felt battered but still thought I had a chance of flashing high up on the pitch having not fallen on the route up to here. However, 3 to 4 meters up I hit the inside of the egg shell boulder moves and instantly slumped off, a mixture of freeing, dogging and backstripping eventually led to the ‘in space’ belay where Dan led through to arrive at long ledge in the dusk. Once again battered, we ate little.

  The next day was more like it. We woke to great views level with snow on the plains above the valley on the opposite side and went about making long ledge home. We went down for a look at the headwall pitch which thankfully wasn’t as bad as it felt the night before but was still an endurance heart-breaker of a pitch, especially when cooked from climbing for a few days. The final 2/3 metres of the 50m crack pitch which lead to a weird leg in hole hands off and the belay supply the crux, giving 2 to 3 6c moves on thin slippery 2 finger locks. There is a good shakeout at 10meters and a poor one at 38m.  To do the Groove or GBH at Malham should they have good pro would be a considerably easier affair and the grade the headwall gets should be taken as meaningless to any European. Its exposed enough that a toilet stop is an essentail prerequisate before going near it and a defib may be of assistance.

  Having an afternoon tea we look up to see a blonde lady abseiling down to our ledge...it was Hazel. Although Dan was a very modest man even he could see that this wasn’t the first time Hazel had feigned an interest in climbing to come and hangout in our company. We told her she wasn’t the first young lady to come down and she’d better have some gifts, luckily she brought both wine and cupcakes. She mentioned that she had a sore shoulder.

   Day 5 is time to try the pitch in earnest. At 43 metres I gained the better jams where a rested climber can get some small recovery before the final crux. I was not a rested climber and got spat off. I was a little bit embarrassed about running out of juice so quickly, with Hazel watching from above. I thought I’d last a little longer 2nd time round with the increased experience but no, I ran out of beans even sooner! A rest day was in order.

Day 6 Dan did an ace lead on the boulder top bit of the crack, doing it first go, 12c/d leads to a weird small cave and a boulder problem just above. Lots of cards and tea were had. At night when inevitably all fears and doubts come to call I worried about the final 10 metres of the crack knowing 1 rest day was not going to get my body up to full speed with various days and years of abuse flashing to mind.

Day 7 arrived and after a quick warm up we ab in to the stance at the base. The jump left out of the eggshell to gain a good crack goes well. The shakeout at 38 meters gets used for 5 mins trying to get rid of the sickly feeling of pressing on up the very aerobic crack above. Getting past my highpoint I’m relieved to get some recovery on the better jams. The final move involved a very non text book move using a right outside edge (retains much more lateral stability and edge) on a nubbin and pirouetting round to grab the jug. I was a little nervous about falling outward facing the exposure if I fluffed this move. It felt surprising to gain the rest. It would have been nice to link the next bit as well but would certainly have required another rest day (A honn said it wasn’t much harder). Dan came up and after I’d sorted out the next bit of the crack we had a brew and made ready for departure from long ledge. A fantastic 12a led leftwards off the ledge, like a very exposed Pembroke E5 and some easier pitches led to the top where we saw a hummingbird. After a crippling walk down we gained the pizza and beers in curry village.
   

   The celebrations peaked one Saturday night in camp 4 where various opinions were set forward around a camp fire, I can’t remember where they came from but there were a few interesting ones:

>It was said that many conservatives and republicans should do community service for their injust and greedy policies.

>The Norwegians around the fire were shown to be from the most equitable society.

>People who quote Larkin were known to require sectioning, this came from numerous sources.

>The radio was being murdered from insincere love songs by naff boy bands

>Tax people had the least honourable profession, like the opposite of Robin Hood.

>Many great climbers can get booted from boot companies nowadays even though they’ll have made boot companies 1000s in marketing value shown widely on the hardest climbs round. They haven’t clocked up enough air time via social media sites shouting about how great they are! Its about the selfie not the send Ry.

>Investment should be made into exploring the final frontiers now so we can ship Farrage and his voters to another planet.

>It was recognised that miracles do occur, shown by not only Pete Robins but also Jordan Base gaining a driving license

   When the celebrations finished and we could see again we looked up to the Cap wondering what to try next. Dan was keen for a look at El Nino having had enough of cracks. I was interested to find out just how impressive Leo and Patches ascent was back in 1998.

The most driven climber I’ve met Tobias Wolf and his ace friend Thomas Hering had just done it and supplied us with some very detailed information. They knew how much energy was required to carry an extra kg on the face and made our organisation seem farcical by comparison and we were certainly haemorrhaging a lot more cash.

   The first pitch, The Black Dyke had a reputation as being the hardest pitch and the next 2 were also meant to be runout 7c+/8a. The reputation is well deserved. The Black Dyke is E66b/c to the 2nd bolt where committing moves lead to the crux of the pitch where the unlucky can sample a minimum fallout of 10m, Dan thought this pitch harder than Slab and Crack at Curbar. The 2nd pitch has a 10m runout after the crux and would be E6. The 3rd pitch, the Galapagus has a massive 5c/6a rockover where you’d fall forever before sustained 6b/c with a few sections that look impossible until the very last minute/second!  A bust finger combined with sun/tiredness blew our first go up but the 2nd found McManus on blistering form, sending the Black Dyke, Missing Link and flashing the Galapagus on 2nd.

Jill Byron had left some water nearby for NAW but had had to leave the valley. Jane Gallwey let me and Dan have the water and some other supplies which were priceless.

  After a bit of plotting we set off and climbed and hauled up to the naff bivvy, the Big Sur, we went ledgeless to save on weight. That afternoon we set off on the hard 2 pitches beyond. The Final move of the M&M flake involved a leap for a jug. Apparently unexpected wins can accrue 4 times more excitement than those you expect, hence gambling addiction. This was how the move felt.

   Dan made an impressive flash of the Royal Arch, a bouldery pitch which I managed after some time with a tip ready to explode. A grim bivvy on a sloping shelf led to day 2 after little sleep.

   The Enduro corner felt about E6 and the next 12cs only E5s which led us to the Rotten Island and the great roof above. Dan sorted out the mass of shit gear in the roof and checked the moves and I blew the flash at the lip with a mix of fear, tiredness and shit sequences coming into play. Dan sent it first lead and I was happy to 2nd it clean. We were chuffed to get this forbidding pitch out of the way.

  An E4 and stunning E6 led to our final bivvy.

    Becoming irritable is a hazard of big walling. The rope fankles, the stuck haulpigs, the sun and the climb itself can make it feel that all is conspiring against you. Dan had certainly had the best bivvy spot on the Big Sur but hadn’t stopped moaning about it all day and I was worried about where Dan’s breaking point might be. I was feeling pretty confident that if it came to fisty-cuffs to get the best bit of the ledge I’d be ok, I’d watched Kill Bill and Crouching Tiger on the flight over besides which although Dans tall he has a vegan look about him. Luckily the cards settled things.

   The day after things started well. Dan did really good leads on a techy 7b+ and the intimidating Dolphin (E5/6) roof/chimney. The Lucy is a Labrador was our last hard pitch and all that was stopping us from a clean ascent. The problem with hard pitches high up is that every morning big wall free climbing you wake up feeling bolloxed and with skin which feels that it's suffering from a nuclear disaster. The bugger bugger of a pitch was wet. After more than an hour of stressful drying, working and cursing I managed to spoon my way through it and Dan had a similar affair, narrowly missing out on a flash. It would have been pretty devastating to fail at the last hurdle and it made for a stressful 2 hours. 

   The final few pitches were stunning, easy but runout on good rock. The igloo bivvy appeared to be the best on El Cap although it can’t be as good as it looks in heavy storms as it’s where Drummond got swamped when Harding came to his rescue.

  We got to the summit and shook hands. It was a fantastic climb. I wondered about the teenaged excitement of Leo and Patch back in 1998 over having the route with very few falls. It stands out to me as possibly the best effort on rock by Brits abroad for a number of reasons with the tough onsighted pitch of the Prophet up there. They would have been on blistering form and have had a fair wind behind them to do it so well. It also has a very intimidating atmosphere from the Big Sur onwards with reasonably technical hauling involved.

   Tobias and Thomas had been waiting for us with beers at the base the night we bivvied and we hung out with them when we got down and had a pancake morning. Their help, knowledge and encouragement was instrumental to our ascent and I was able forgive them for being kayakers and just hope Tobias brings out a book on big walling.

Our timing back in the valley couldn’t have been better with a spring party going off in Foresta. We managed to secure an invite.

  The next morning I woke up feeling a million pounds. I’d not soloed Astroman which I’d been thinking about for months but we’d done a hell of a lot of great pitches. With the normal scepticism gone I bounced out of the tent to admire the Vista and looked back curiously at what I’d trodden in. It took me a moment to recognise it and although a bit grim I couldn’t resist an evil smug smile....Dan wasn’t going to enjoy the drive back to San Francisco. A great trip.

     

  There are thanks for many people on this trip:

Dan: obviously for being such a good egg and giving great chess games.

Tobias and Thomas for being ace

Jane  Gallwey and Jill for supplies & Steve for the whisky

Mike Kershner for dosses in the Pines

James Lucas for beta and having a sense of humour

Dave Gladwin and Kiwi Mick for dosses in camp4

Sterling rope for shipping us out a rope for hauling

Andy Kirkpatrick for a morning of comedy

Hazel for the wine, cupcake, tips on cultural language differences and lack of literacy.

   The Dinorwic slate quarries are an impressive and atmospheric place to climb having some of the finest pitches around and also offering some of the best views of Llanberis, the Pass and Crib Goch. In its hayday it employed about 3000 people directly and shut down in 1969 when the first recorded rock climbs were put up such as Opening Bid (71) and Gideon although the quarryman undoubtedly did some of the faces before climbers arrived.  Drying in minutes it is possible to hide in one of the blast shelters waiting for the showers to stop before setting off and can be climbed on throughout the year. Meaning 'to split' slate has some of the sharpest edges found on any rock with rockovers and mantelshelves involving getting your feet by your head being common, as are doing these moves a long way above any protection. Some of the huge pits are named after where the slate was shipped out to, Australia and California, Vivian after an quarry manager and Twll Mawr immortalised in the Stone Monkey video means big hole in Welsh.
   These finest pitches include routes such as: Seams the Same, Comes the Dervish, Ride the Wild Surf, Pull my Daisy, Central Sadness, Slipstream, The Rainbow of Recalcitrance, Naked before the Beast. Equally as good are the Lakeland equivalents found in Hodge Close Quarry: Malice in Wonderland, Ten Years After, Wicked Willie, Limited Edition, First Night Nerves, Stage Fright are all some of the best slab pitches to be found south of Scotland. I know them to be some of the finest pitches as on a great trip to Wales in 1999 with Colin Downer and Wez Hunter we did a spectrum of classics includingThe Cad, the Moon, Sexual Salami, Cardiac Arete, Lord of the Flies, Edge of Time, Weasels. One that stood out for quality on this week was Central Sadness in California, found through 2 tunnels it takes the centre of an impressive face and had 2 paintings on the scree opposite which were highlighted against the greyness. A serious first pitch leads to a stunning well protected crack on the 2nd.

      In 2007 I was swinging around on an Dawes project called the Meltdown, getting nowhere I was a little embarrassed when Joe Brown appeared on the sidelines. He told me he never did a move he didn't think he could downclimb. I found this pretty amazing as having done many of his climbs I knew they were hard enough to get up the moves let alone downclimb. I'd got into climbing with a story my dad used to tell in his talks he gave at the Moot Hall in Keswick every week with myself pressing the projector button for him. I presume it was the 1970s:
  Dad was at Shepherds crag and a guy comes up to him and says:
Guy: "Do you fancy doing something hard?"
Dad: who is this guy? "why not"
Dad was belayed a pitch up and the guy was leading the 2nd pitch and says:
Guy:"Is it alright if I fall off"
Dad"Pardon"
Guy:urgently "Is it alright if I fall off"
Guy falls 30 feet gets back up to dad and says
Guy: "I dont mind falling off"
Guy gets back on and does the climb.

  A week later a man with long hair went up to dad in a pub and says:
Long hair: "Eye eye, I hear you been climbing with Douggie"
Dad: "He fell 30 feet"
Long Hair " Douggie Hall, he's one of the best climbers in Britain, he falls off every week".
I think its fair to say he didnt fall off very often in the following years but the idea of falling off being often ok with modern protection helped drive things in the following decade, the slate climbing Golden Years.
 
   In the 1980s climbing in the Slate quarries really took off, with a strong ethic on making extremely serious climbs it appeared to be a competition on who could climb the hardest whilst placing the least protection. The runouts and falls which have occurred on slate are legendary. The majority of routes on the Rainbow Slab will have seen at least falls of 40-60 feet, arse grinders. Dawes came off Paul Pritchards route 'A Cure for a Sick Mind' trying to jump clip a bolt from standing on the Rainbow and missed hitting the ground on rope stretch. Pete Whillance took a 100 ft fall off Life in the Fast Lane. Redhead fell off Dawes of Perception and his partner Towse had to jump into the Vivian Pool to save Johns life although he did break his thumb. Lucky falls aside it's a place for a balanced approach as at least 1 person has died on a route on the Rainbow slab.
   I've enjoyed hanging out in the quarries probably more than on any other rock over the years and even enjoyed getting a schooling off Will Perrin, Hock or Pete and having to call in all friends at various periods for belay stints on Bungles or Meltdown. Climbing on it is primarily about confidence, flexiblity and crimping.
  

   The hardest and most serious trad routes climbed on slate are still appropriatley remnants from the 1980s. Raped by Affection, A Cure for a Sick Mind and probably the hardest and still unrepeated Couer de Lion involving runout F8a climbing (body sideways style stuff) and a knarly E7 just to get to the first protection. If anybody is so inclined more serious routes could be 'made' but the 90s and 00s resonated a less minimalistic bolting stance and I'll hold my hand up to lacing mine.
  In 1990 the quarries got given there 2 hardest sport pitches, Bungles Arete courtesy of Sean Myles and The Very Big and the Very Small from Dawes which gave Britain its technically hardest slab pitch. The holds are small enough that most people can have a maximum of 3 goes before exploding at least 1 fingertip. It's a climb which many very good climbers have done with 1 rest but dispensing with the rest is tricky. Steve Mcclure repeated it in 1998 and after a particularly turd morning I managed it in 2005 with Pete Robins doing a tall mans version in 2010.
   The hardest sport routes in the quarries are remarkably varied: Bobbys Groove, Cwms the Dogfish, Medium, Concorde Dawn, New Slatesman, Manic Strain, Serpent Vein, Meltdown, Misogynists Discharge, Sauron, Untouchables, Darkhalf, Wall Within, Wish You Were here, Tambourine Man, The Very Big and the Very Small.
Walls, grooves, aretes, corners, slabs, overhangs. A climb to suit most peoples tastes with each offering high quality interesting climbing in very atmospheric areas and with plenty of projects left to go.
   With the new slate guide and Dawes autobiography pointing towards the Meltdown I was glad to get it done before someone else with a similar boredom threshold to myself. I was actually thinking of putting a halfway lower off which is a 3 star 7c and if anyone can be arsed go for it. To get to 3/4 hieght is superb 8b+ a bit harder than VBVS which leads to a sting move mantel into a hard traverse. It's tricky to grade and my friend Pete Robins who has recently replaced the bolts suggested it could be 9a many years ago but since its ascent he's more reticent. It would be good for it to get some attention as it has some fabulous climbing on it and is the most chuffed I've been at getting up a climb.
   The quarries currently have routes which cater across the spectrum from the timid climber to the adventurer. They are always a place to be on guard in as although the Welsh slate was regarded as high quality it's not like climbing on granite and the bolts which protect some of the climbs may have been placed by people who didn't know anything about it! If you get bored of the limestone, dont feel too fit or are watching the showers pass through the slate should be a port of call.

    The final headwall pitch had been challenging, super exposed and at the end of a cold bivy and 2 days climbing in the cold. Seracs three times the size of Kilnsey hang off granite monoliths nearby. Myself and Tim look down at another team low down on the climb. The BD pro team had been forced to retreat off the first hard pitch, fiendishly strong as the leader was he was unable to pull his partner up, fond of waffles and dolce de leche his second had been risking breaking the belay anchors. We give them a wave and turn around to continue up the thankfully easy angled snow slope, still not too soft from the sun. As we top out....

   I wake up from the dream and look out of the plane again at the layer of clouds beneath, it had been getting thicker and thicker as we’d crossed the Atlantic and as we neared GB there were no gaps. This was appropriate as beneath those clouds lay bills, dampness and replays of some of the worst weather for decades. None of our objectives had been achieved, in fact we hadn’t even gained the base of any of them, but it had still ended up being a great trip. I looked back on a month in Patagonia with Tim Neill:

Day 1: Fly into El Calafate, a small airport in a fantastic situation on the edge of a glacial lake. A 3 hr minibus journey across flat plains tracking the edge of a huge lake brings the pointy granite peaks into view and the sudden contrast of plains into peaks gave a good insight of why this place holds a place in the heart of many people. We get dropped off in the town of El Chalten and head to the Aylen Aike Hostel ran by the gregarious Seba. Growing rapidly El Chalten was the name given to the higher peaks such as Fitzroy by some of the first inhabitants of the area.

    After a 30 minutes walk down the high street I looked in a mirror and my forehead appeared to have been microwaved. I forgot that although the Montreal Protocol was one of the most successful bits of international environmental legislation the hole in the ozone layer is very close. Some Patagonian regulars informed me it’s the easiest place to get burned, they lived in California.

Day 2: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs, in Aylen Aike Hostel Nirvana is playing.....

Day 3: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs,  in Aylen Aike Hostel Nirvana is playing.....

   We have seen the first condors of the trip. In the middle of the day a huge horse gallops full speed down the El Chalten main street trailing 20 metres of rope, a few minutes later 2 dogs came running after it!

Day 4: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs, in Aylen Aike Hostel Nirvana is playing.....

Day 5: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores, boulder and watch the meteographs, in Aylen Aike Hostel Nirvana is playing.....but there is a blip on the graphs and the talk moves to a ‘window’.

Day 6: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs...

a hive of activity begins,  objectives are talked of, files sharpen axes and everybody makes ready for an exodus to the hills.

Day 7: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs...

People shop and pack. Josh Wharton and Brian leave us a gas canister. The world is a small place, Josh lives in Colorado but his grandad had helped set up the Ogwen Mountain rescue team back in North Wales.

Day 8: Getting my rucksack on in El Chalten I wonder if I can move the pig of a weight out of town, 8 hrs later having attached ourselves to Mikey Schaeffer and Co halfway along we enter our basecamp, Niponino. On the walk in Cerro Torre had popped out of the clouds, Hazel cleverly observes free climbing it at that moment would be tricky as it was plastered white. The landscape is incredible and it’s very hard to grasp the scale of all the granite faces, the seracs and overhanging snow mushrooms hanging off many of them.

Day 9: We wake at 1:00 with the intention of trying Exocet but the temps feel like a summer morning in Camp 4, Tim makes a great call of going back to bed and trying a rock objective. We get up at 5 and go for Chiaro de Luna on Saint Exupery. Although cold with often ice filled cracks it gave a great day out. Getting back to camp we encounter horror stories from people who had attempted Exocet, the best being Marc Leclercs and Jason Kruk who had to wait under a boulder for 8 hrs for the bombardments to stop so they could abseil off.

Day 10: Set off on Yellow Grey Arrow/new route and decide we’re 5 hrs too late. Abseil off and do Rubio Azul which gives a great view of the Cerro Torre summit headwall, from close up it appeared quite featured. The sun had melted the snow off the headwall and I grew more optimistic about getting on it. As we abseil off the weather craps out. We camp and get no sleep, listening to the wind ‘charging’ in the glacier before battering down the valley sweeping the rain into our tent. We walk out early back to the great food in El Chalten. Our stash was where we wanted it and all we had to do was wait....

Day 11: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs, in Aylen Aike Hostel Nirvana is playing.....
Team Epic TV (being Jack Geldard, Rob Greenwood and Matt Pycroft) had an eventful window helping with the rescue of 2 climbers who had taken a bad fall off the Supercanaleta. It took all night and at the end of the rescue Jack gained some sage advice from a man also on the rescue:

“First time in Patagonia? Let this be a lesson to you on self reliance”

Jack took the advice literally and was hardly seen outside of the kitchen for the duration of the holiday, his baking was 2nd to none.

Days 12-20: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs, in Aylen Aike Hostel Nirvana is playing.....

This is the easiest place to hitch I’ve been, people and families go out of their way to make space for hitchers, very welcoming. Jack, Rob and Matts time has come to an end. The film in production for Epic TV should be watched by anyone thinking of eating out in El Chalten as they visited every restaurant and cafe on their trip. Myself, Tim and Hazel may have put up a new 4 pitch route on a nearby cliff, unfortunately its not worth giving a name to.

Days  20-21:  Another window appears and myself and Tim enthusiastically walk through the rain to get to Niponino on New Years Eve to try a new route on El Mocho on New Years Day. A lone fox is one of the few other inhabitants of Niponino. It snows during the night and combined with spindrift and cold weather we end up walking back out disgruntled and wondering if we were being men of low moral fibre. Maybe it was bad karma for putting an equivalent of 3 tonnes of CO2 each into the atmosphere with our huge flight? Other teams head in as we leave, carrying axes, Mikey Schaefer and the Kauffman brothers succeed on an excellent new route the Super Domo on Domo Blanco.

Days 21-26: The wind blows, the climbers eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs, in Aylen Aike Hostel Nirvana is playing....

Dave Macleod, Calum, Ally Swinton and Ben Winston arrive. It’s good to have renewed energy bumped into our trip, we’ve climbed almost every day but the sports venues are by no means similar to Ceuse and we were feeling the lows of the meteographs, accentuated by Tim reading Birdsong and me reading a very good but slightly bleak post apocalyptic book.

   Dave looked exceedingly strong doing a font 8b in 2/3 sessions and I hoped Calum had not left his jumars back with his statics on the torres. The rarity value of getting up any of the bigger climbs in Patagonia certainly adds to the flavour much like the rarely in condition Welsh winter climbs.

 Days 27-30: Our final window. Short and cold we were aiming to repeat Super Domo.

    We set off at 2.30 and with 1 team ahead and 2 teams behind we walk in via a cloudless morning and great views of the Fitzroy range. The first part of the climb had some great easier ice pitches, the middle had a techy mixed pitch which Tim dealt with smoothly and the final 3 ice pitches looked superb. Owen the ozzie and Mike from Colorado were hot on our heels and Pete Graham and Ben Sylvester right behind them. As Tim climbed the 1st of the top ice pitches I watched Rolando Garibotti climbing the final, crux and intimidating top pitch managing not to send down any ice onto us by hooking it. As I seconded this last ice pitch I noticed a good 6 inches of slack between me and Tim and I shouted to let him know.

    We were lucky to top out on Domo Blanco with a view across the Patagonian ice cap (something I felt we’d missed out on), to our original objective Cerro Torre and back towards Fitzroy. This ascent made the trip for the both of us. The line of Supercanaleta particularly stuck out, being a huge corner with an ice streak in the back splitting the huge peak. It’s the best mixed/alpine style line I’ve seen and having been wondering what brought people back for a 2nd holiday it suddenly became clear, it was certainly the best winter line I’d seen.

  Above: Some footage of the area whilst abseiling off Domo Blanco



   The walk out the following day we retrieved all of our kit and although we had heavy bags the walk back to El Chalten felt considerably easier than on the ‘empty bagged and handed’ New Years day walk out.

Days 31-2: Last 2 days involved being knackered from the walk out and pizza+alfajores from the chocolateria and feeling the weight of the good food whilst trying to boulder. Ed Brown and Paul Reeve arrive to bolster the Brit contingent. Colin Haley told the best 4 jokes I’ve ever heard and gained huge respect points but then lost them all by mentioning how he liked the band the Streets.  We met the person named the ‘Troutman’ who managed to maintain a conversation on fish migrations for 40 minutes+. It was time to leave.

The final morning our friends, Seth, Neale, Zach, Lowri and Ryan helped me and Tim to get our stuff to the minibus and we said our goodbyes to them and Seba, the owner of the finest hostel in the world. We were sad to leave but knew that....

  .. the wind would blow, the climbers would eat empanadas, alfajores and watch the meteographs, in Aylen Aike Hostel Nirvana would always be playing....

  Big thanks to Tim, Calum, the BMC....
& to Glyn & Scarpa, Dan Thompson & Rab, DMM, Sterling and the Chocolateria for goodies.


  

  

   The year coming up I decided to resign my contract with Plas Y Brenin. I’ll be running some of my own courses, doing more MLs for Phill and Lisa George and will be climbing more. I’ll be joining the RAB team which is great as even with Calum on it they are a great bunch.

   Myself, Calum, Fran Brown, Shauna Coxsey, Fran Brown, Molly Thompson-Smith, Steve McClure and Hazel Fundlay have become Ambassadors for the BMC. The BMC have always done a lot of good work on behalf of climbers and walkers in Britain so I’m looking forward to helping them in any way possible.

   I was a little disappointed not to do Parthion Shot as an end of year tick, partly because I’m nervous of someone pulling what is left of the flake off while I’m away in Patagonia. I tried it 3 times on the lead on 2 different days. The first time was with Ben Bransby. I’d mentioned to someone the day prior to trying it that Ben could easily do it but might be a bit too cautious. After a quick re-check of the moves and the gear Ben goes first and I realised he meant business, getting to the high lead crux I think he’s in when suddenly he’ mentions’ he is coming off, I take in some slack wondering what to tell Kath if Ben spoons himself. He slams in a bit but lands well. The belay had been more stressful than I expected and the cautiousness I mentioned before was most assuredly with me. On my turn I prevaricated on wether to set off, feeling nervous and not in the mood. I give it a go and with numb fingers get to the top shelf beneath the lead crux, there is no way I was continuing, fingers numb and not into it. Next go Ben goes for broke and spending an age on the footshare at the top with numb fingers he tops out and I took him off belay with relief. My second go I did intend to give it everything as it would have been nice to do it together as we did on Careless. Shaking out at my previous highpoint my fingers in my left hand felt stiff and I knew they were useless, I drop off broken and awaiting laser eye surgery the following day. It was the most powerful effort I’ve seen from Ben for some years and at the end of the day it was hard to say if it was the belay or my 2 attempts I was most tired from, either way I was impressed and the footage of Ben on it is well worth a watch.

   A week later with a big team I gave it one more lead effort whilst back in the Peak. Body feeling tired from the day before but with considerably warmer conditions I get a few moves higher before dropping it and at least felt happy my head was in gear although I felt a bit of a pleb. There were 3 other people looking at Parthion and another 3 on Dynamics of Change with Pasquil nipping in for a quick OS of Balance it is, not that he was under any pressure. Compared with ten years previously I think the physical standards of everyone at the crag was at a great level and there just seems to be a lot of bloody good climbers around at the moment even without Pasquil to help boost the average. Half the people there had climbed 9a and the others could easily do so, half had climbed a few font 8bs and all had onsighted and/or flashed (thats a flash where you’ve never been near the climb on an abseil rope!) E7s and E8s.     
   Some days later I encountered the prophet of purism, John Redhead in the Heights at a great talk by Paul Pritchard. Chatting about some climbing experiences I could see where John was coming from with some of his views on modern climbing. I think this year more than ever ascents of ‘big number’ climbs E7-9 headpoints have probably been more regular than E6s getting onsighted. A meeting with Johnny Dawes some days later involved a similar conversation with him (not him) mentioning that they were 'only' climbing 8a and doing similar levels, I think Al Hughes video 1980s...the Birth of the Extreme was very well named. There are more E8s and 9s to go for nowadays and although physical standards have improved a lot we all still get as scared as they did in the 1980s. On sport climbs as you progress up the grades the risk of serious injury doesnt increase like it does with the UK grade system. I’m afraid I’ll be one of the first out with my top rope next year but will try and keep it for special occasions.

   I’m off to Patagonia for 5 weeks from 9th of December with Tim Neill. It is somewhere I’ve thought about visiting since I got into climbing and Tim is a contender for the keenest climber around so I think it will be a great way to see in the New Year. We’re hoping to try the Compressor route, some big routes on Fitzroy and climb routes like Exocet. Worst case scenario is I stand on Tims shoulders to get a good axe placement in the Cerro Torres snow mushroom. Calum Muskett and Dave Macleod are coming out with the same objective soon after and I’ll be sorely disappointed if we get most of the way up, have to retreat for whatever reason and these punks have it all chalked up!

    I was pretty nervous about the laser eye surgery booked in for the 20th November. I’d managed to drain my adrenal gland somewhat the previous day trying a tricky climb called Parthion Shot, which my friend Ben Bransby succeeded on via a valiant effort.

   Everyone I’ve spoken to who has had it done said it was the best thing they’d ever done, and just before going into the ‘laser room’ I read peoples’ accounts on the wall of how great the experience had been to give myself some last minute positive affirmations. Ray Wood had come along as a friend, filmer and driver, so I knew if I did a runner out the door I’d never live it down.

   I went in and after a surreal five or 10 minutes I was thanking Antonio, Margaret and team for their speed and efficiency, and I was on a high knowing the crux of it was done. Ray got some suitably cheesy footage of me walking out the shop with shades on and we went for a nice lunch a few doors down chatting about how it had went and felt.
  On the drive back from Liverpool to North Wales the anaesthetic wore off, which after a few minutes meant I had to strip my t-shirt off and use it as a handkerchief as my sinuses started to wake up. The two days post-surgery I was told could be discomforting, and I was impressed with how accurately the instructions ‘what to expect post laser eye surgery’ were in predicting how I’d feel. I never felt what I’d regard as pain, and the eye infections I had in the past from using contacts in dry dusty areas had been a hundred times worse.  The recovery mainly involved being sedentary for a few days, which was actually quite nice and was perfect timing to get through some Michael Thomas CDs on Spanish in preparation for the trip to Patagonia in December.

   As the days progressed post surgery I found out what 20/20 or better meant, although my eyes were still settling I was able to see details in the lichens and mosses in the garden I couldn’t define before. It felt a bit like being ten again, which would have been around the time I still had good sight before it took its rather large deterioration from early to late teens. At day six I found my glasses in the bottom of my OE bag thinking I’d left them there and a bit gutted not to have the memorabilia. Putting them on it’s how I’d envisage an ‘acid trip’, this was why people I passed them to over the years to try on would always say “OMG, your eyes.....”.

   One week later I went out climbing for the first time post treatment with Emma Twyford and Ray Wood. We put up a new climb on Holyhead in the late afternoon, having been there quite a bit over the years I’d noticed a few unclimbed lines. This route follows a short, steep arête, quite exciting for its size. Setting off up it involved a big move to good but odd guppies allowing some tricky gear to be placed before cheval style moves to finish, probably about E5 6aish. It is yet to be named but we’re going to do something slightly special for it in conjunction with Optical Express. At the top of the climb Ray asked me: “So what is it like compared with before?”

   Well, for a start it’s a hell of a lot clearer, which is hard to describe how much so to people who have always had great vision.  I don’t have to wear contacts, thereby reducing the risk of the eye infections which had become more frequent the last two years. It means that I don’t need to wear glasses when out on the hill, so I’ll be less likely to be unable to see where I’m putting my feet when it’s raining or unable to use a map on ML night navigation exercises.

   It has felt more liberating than I was expecting and I think my semi-blind friend Ben Bransby, the most squeamish person concerning eyes, is contemplating it seeing as how both myself and Adam Long have mentioned its merits.  I’ll be one of the people now singing the praises of laser eye surgery and hope to put it to good use on the rock in 2014.

 Massive thanks go to the Liverpool Optical Express crew for the new eyes, Ray Wood for loads of help and of course the team at Optical Express head office for supporting it and organising everything.